Understand First

Proverbs 18:13 To answer before listening— that is folly and shame.

If there were ever words that fit with today’s current situation, it is these words. We have an abundance of misunderstanding and ignorance of the facts flying around these days. I am sure this is nothing new, but it seems to be especially potent these days.

I notice it all the time in my practice with couples. They just don’t know how to work to understand each other. They assume they understand what the other person is saying and often won’t even give their spouse the opportunity to explain what the mean.

Have you ever misunderstood someone close to you? I thought so! This is the human condition. That is because it takes great effort to suspend your own defense in order to understand. We feel attacked and we want to defend or even fight back in response.

But listening is key to success in relationships. If we can’t truly listen, then we can’t truly understand.

This lesson was learned in international treaty negotiations. The various sides of a negotiation won’t budge until they know that the person on the other side of the table understands their position. They must understand the values behind their side. They must understand the history and politics, both domestically and internationally.

To get a peace treaty, or trade treaty, much of the negotiations centers around trying to understand each other’s side. And that takes time and effort.

And I know you know that listening and pushing for understanding is an exhausting endeavor. It takes energy and patience to stick with the conversation until the other person is satisfied you understand them.

I am amazed the number of times I have heard a spouse say “I understand,” but in actuality they don’t understand. You see, understanding happens, not when the other person understands you, but when you know that the other person understand you! Understanding must be communicated so the communicator knows the communication has been received in full.

Think about secure websites. When downloading a file, the website uses Checksum to ensure that the file arrived complete and uncorrupted. If the value is not identical, then the file must be resent. If the Checksum’s match, then the file has been sent and received successfully.

It is this feedback loop that ensures both accurate transmission and reception of a message. Couples can do this by repeating back what they heard and asking for verification and clarification. Always push to understand the other person.

So next time you have a disagreement with someone, first work to understand, then you can work on a solution. Understand, then solve.

Good luck!